Wednesday, June 1, 2011

And now the news...

In keeping with the tradition of the popular US crime drama of the same name, Pompey’s takeover by CSI will see the team run out to a song by The Who.

From next season the Blues’ theme tune will be Won’t Be Fooled Again

And now the weather: after an initial warm front bringing unexpected and unseasonal happiness one can expect a gradual lull and a front of cynicism moving in from the east.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Record-breaking Takeover Talks rises again

Pompey’s record-breaking hot-air balloon, ‘Takeover Talks’, has risen again after a world-beating 743 days above ground.

The balloon, launched originally by Titus Andoronikou – the club’s administrator – has maintained orbit above Fratton Park for more than two years, after it was originally inflated by the hot air of the administrator himself.

Remarkably it has maintained a position of credibility above the ancient old stadium despite often having nothing to sustain it.

Maurice McShirter, from the Guinness Book of Extended Negotiations Records, explained: “The fact this balloon has remained airborne for so long, with people discussing it constantly, has amazed us. Very often there was absolutely nothing to keep it floating yet it stays up there.

“Some philosophers have even discussed the possibility that it actually doesn’t exist and is, in fact, nothing more than an abstract concept created by devious fraudsters in order to muddy the already dirty waters. But that’s not our concern – all we are interested in is quantifying how long it has been doing the rounds above the stadium.”

A na├»ve fan, who asked not to be named, though we can confirm he is prominent in the supporters club, added: “We fully expect the balloon to land soon, and I am reliably informed, by people whose credibility I have no proof of, that when it does, the basket will contain the likes of Craig Bellamy, Jamie O’Hara and Gareth Barry.

“I also see fairies at the bottom of my garden and have regular discussions about the merits of 4-4-2 with Lord Voldemort.”

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Lampwick defends semantic transfer talk

Dennis Lampwick, Pompey’s new excuse-finder general, has defended the club’s policy of saying what the fans want to hear after a barren transfer-deadline day.

Lampwick, who moved to Fratton Park from the Football Association where he gained a solid reputation for goal-post moving, has been criticised by some fans’ groups after saying only a couple of weeks ago that players would be sold ‘only for football reasons’ and that he expected two permanent signings to be made before the transfer window slammed shut.

He broke off from installing triple-glazing, floor-length curtains and an upholstered, stiffened pelmet around the transfer window to give Frattonise an exclusive interview.

“I apologise if some fans believe I have misled them,” said Lampwick, “but in football terms it’s called misinformation. Or, in common parlance, telling the fans what they want to hear when they need to hear it.

“That was why I was brought here. I had years of experience in coaching club officials in the timing of anodyne statements and how to fend off fans’ frustrations with face-saving mistruths.

“It is an art form and the fans should celebrate it rather than chastise us for resorting to it. Excuse-finding is just like anything else – its styles go in and out of fashion. Only a few years ago, for example, fans at Pompey were content to hear Milan Madandrich bemoan the lack of signings by indicating the quality of the players he had at least tried to sign. It’s clever semantics of course – it’s just as easy not to sign Cristiano Ronaldo as it is not to sign Jason Crowe. But the PR value is much more.

“That style seems to have fallen by the wayside in recent years as people started to see through it, although I notice Harry Redknapp was using the same technique only today in trying to convince Spurs fans he’d only missed out on signing Charlie Adam ‘by minutes’. Old habits die hard for some people it would appear.

“However, we are more forward-thinking at Fratton Park and decided clever use of semantics would be the best policy for 2011. For example we did say players would leave the club ‘only for footballing reasons’ – and that is true. John Utaka left to play football elsewhere. And we said we expected two signings – we achieved that when we had the signatures of executives from both clubs on the official transfer document.

“It may not have been how the fans interpreted the statements but we achieved what we said. It’s not our fault fans choose to interpret the statement in an optimistic vein. For heaven’s sake, you’d think they would have supported the club for long enough now to know what was likely and what wasn’t.”

After a transfer window which saw Pompey’s squad increase from the official Government terror threat level of ‘threadbare’ to ‘bare bones’, fans' support group the Pompey Truss revealed a recent poll had shown 113 per cent of season-ticket holders would consider not renewing for 2011/12 unless Lampwick could again offer the sort of pathetic assurances which had already seen one planned demonstration postponed.

Lampwick added: “The owners and I are determined to once again come up with a risible argument for being optimistic. I’m sure the fans will not be disappointed. At least not until September 1 when the next window closes.”

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Pompey fans call for Storrie's reinstatement

A fans’ support group, The Pompey Truss, has called for the reinstatement of Pompey’s former chief executive Peter Storrie.

The shock move comes as fears for the club’s future continue to rise. A Truss spokesman, Mark Mywords, said Storrie’s skilful manipulation, creative accounting and tireless self-aggrandisement was just what was needed to help the club through these difficult times.

Mywords observed: “We need good players to get out of the rut we currently find ourselves in. We are not aiming high enough when it comes to player recruitment. Today, for example, we’ve been linked with Ipswich’s David Norris, while earlier in the week Darren Bent moved to Aston Villa.

“Steve Cotterill’s insistence that the club has no money and could not afford the wages of top Premiership players is a specious argument. We had no money and couldn’t afford the wages before but that didn’t stop Peter Storrie agreeing contracts which encouraged the top players to come down to the club.

“He even promised one or two of them that we would be playing in a new stadium in a couple of years. That’s the kind of creative negotiating skills we need now – not Cotterill and Lampitt’s stoic pragmatism.

“Storrie spent several years at the club working tirelessly and I’m sure Portsmouth FC holds a special place in his bank account. Now would be the time for him to come to the aid of the supporters over whose eyes he pulled down blue-and-white bobble hats for years.

“Cometh the hour, cometh the man. And I’m sure Mr Storrie could consolidate all our existing debts into one easy monthly liquidation.”

A spokesman for Mr Storrie said: “He can’t come to the phone right now, he’s doing his self-assessment tax form and won’t be available until the warmer weather."