Friday, September 17, 2010

Spurs in line for more Blues cash

Pompey's debt has risen to £63m after the Football Association ruled that the club should pay Tottenham Hotspur several million pounds for other players the White Hart Lane club did not sign.

Kevin Prince Boateng's move to Genoa triggered a £5m 'he didn't move to us' clause in a hitherto undiscovered contract cooked up between old chums Judas Catknipp and Jack A Story, while Papa Bouba Diop's departure also looks set to boost the North London club's coffers.

Meanwhile Pompey are hoping to invoke a clause which will see 91 other clubs hand over cash to the south-coast outfit if they agree never to sell barn-door missing front-man David Nugent.

A spokesman for Spurs said: "Pompey are in a right fucking mess fershure - there's loads of money to be made by dealing with the muppets that used to be in charge. Even a "friend" of mine was on 10 per cent of every profit made...

"What a ship of fools."

A spokesman for Pompey said: "In newspaper-cliched naval parlance, this ship of fools is holed beneath the waterline..."

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Shakespearian administrator holding up Pompey buy-out, claims penniless charlatan

Kevin Phillips-Bong's finances should be in place any day soon

Frattonise can exclusively reveal that bumbling administrator Titus Andronicus is holding up our bid to purchase the club.

A spokesman for the satirical website, Kevin Phillips-Bong, said: “We’ve yet to see anything from the administrator which we can understand.

“The main backer behind the bid is only on Janet & John 5E and Titus Andronicus' paperwork has some really long words in it. It’s not fair.

“And he keeps saying we don’t have any money, which isn’t true. I get pocket money every week and we are backed by a lifelong Pompey fan, Paddy Dry-Lining, a local plasterer. He’s self-employed so he has lots of spare cash.”

Frattonise’s bid is also tied in with financial borrowing from the Fratton Bridge Loan Co – and Phillips-Bong revealed the monthly instalments would be paid courtesy of the kids he would beat up at school who would willingly donate their dinner money.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Pompey strike comedy gold - award is long overdue

Latest news: Pompey have won the 2010 Perrier Comedy Award in the Edinburgh Fringe Football Administration Festival.

The judges said they were amused by “the continuing bungling and inadequacies of a series of incompetents, that started with easy-to-run-up huge debts and culminated in new club officials haranguing the wrong people on the phone on deadline day.

“It promises to be a classic and is expected to run until further notice. Catch it while you can – it’s hilarious,” the statement concluded. Pompey will collect the award as soon the club's award-receiving ban is lifted by the Football League.

"It's unbelieveable but there really is only one bidder looking to buy the club!" - Omid Djalili is ideally cast as bungling administrator Titus Andronicus

Rumours abound in comedy circles that the BBC will commission a six-part series to be broadcast next spring. Omid Djalili is being lined up to play administrator Titus Andronicus, Johnny Vegas is expected to play Peter Storrie and national treasure Stephen Fry – fresh from his West End success in the stage adaptation of the Jim Carrey movie Liar Liar - is being targeted to star as loveable national treasure Harry Redknapp.

The part of the Premier League’s fit-and-proper person committee will be played hilariously by children’s favourite Mr Magoo.