Thursday, May 27, 2010

Our vacation won't cost a penny - administrator tells fans

Administrator Titus Andronicus – and his gravy train entourage including Bogroll Chainmail and Peter Storrie – has arranged an all-expenses-paid trip to the USA and Canada this summer.

In a further example of the way the trio ‘work tirelessly’ for the club they will head west to sun themselves in California, before taking in the sights of Edmonton, Alberta, and either Portland, Oregon, or Washington DC.

Andronicus said: “I’ve always wanted to see Washington so I hope we go there. And it will allow me some semblance of anonymity as nobody will know me out there so I won’t get asked for autographs.

“The trip won’t cost us a penny – which is just as well because we don’t have two to rub together – and the teams out there have been impressed by the passion of the Pompey fans, so have jumped at the chance for us to visit.

“Obviously very few of the fans will be able to see the games because the cost of the trip would prove prohibitive. That’s why we arrange games against teams like Bournemouth and Havant, so the plebs can go along and see our youth team in action.

“But they needn’t worry. Mr Chainmail and Mr Storrie have lots of relatives we can give the tickets to if they’re going spare.”

* Frattonise has teamed up with Pompey’s exclusive partner tour operator Titus Travel to offer a special rate for fans travelling to the clash with Gosport Borough in August. For just £199 fans can get a place on the back of a moped to the game, free entry and a burger with all the trimmings. Programmes are not included. No refund is available although you may get 20p in the pound if you’re lucky…

Friday, May 21, 2010

Club disappears into chasm

Police are continuing to search the south coast for the missing Portsmouth Football Club.

A police spokesman said: “It would appear that Portsmouth Football Club disappeared last night into the massive chasm in class between the resignations of former managers Avram Grant and Harry ‘the best manager they ever ‘ad’ Redknapp.

“The disappearance followed the dignified way which Mr Grant apparently left the club. We are also following up suggestions that the club may have been swept away on a wave of emotion following the resignation, whereas when Mr Redknapp departed it just left a nasty smell.

“We are sure the club will resurface soon probably with a well-known kebab shop owner at the helm.”

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Puppet to feature in new TV show

And now some information about a new programme hitting our screens this summer.

Brought to you by the insistence of Balram Chainrai...

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Former chief executive in 'rent-a-quote' shocker

Former chief executive Peter Storrie, right, is heartbroken about Pompey's plight

In a desperate attempt to curry favour with any new owner, compulsive liar and former Portsmouth pariah Peter Storrie has insisted “I won’t f*** off!”

Storrie, who claims to be 18 despite working tirelessly for Pompey for the last 112 years, believes he may still have a role to play in the club’s future.

He said: “Ford Prison is only about 25 miles from Fratton Park so there’s every chance if I’m let out on day release I could still work for the club in some capacity.

“I have enormous experience in getting teams into financial difficulty – Pompey, West Ham, Southend United, Notts County – so it would understandable if a new owner wished to tap into that knowledge.

“I’m keen to cover my arse further to ensure that I’m on the periphery of any potential fallout from my handling of Pompey’s pecuniary downfall. A few critics – though I must say most fans still love me – have accused me of being incompetent over Pompey’s downall.

“But I believe I have been masterful in Pompey’s downfall. Much of it was down to me yet I kept coming up smelling of roses - at least in my own mind.”

Storrie, whose integrity has never been questioned by anybody living in his Hayling home, says he is now keen to go into showbusiness.

“I’ve been invited on to the popular BBC programme Would I Lie to You, as a guest panellist. I’m told I’m just what they’re looking for: a complete c***!”

*Just go Storrie! You are not wanted!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Pompey plans to melt down FA Cup are blocked

The Football Association has warned administrator Titus Andronicus that in the unlikely event that Pompey win the FA Cup on Saturday he will not be allowed to melt down the historic trophy to raise funds.

The shady kebab-dealer-turned-debt-finding administrator had suggested to the blazers at the FA that if Pompey were to win the cup he might pawn the famous old trophy at the Leigh Park Cash Converters, or worse still melt it down to make a nice lapel badge for club owner and puppet-master Bogroll Chainmail.

However, FA bigwig Blaze Erntie-Combination, insists that will not be allowed to happen.

Mr Erntie-Combination, a 134-year-old retired solicitor who sits on the FA management committee, explained: “We have had a meeting with Titus undercover of darkness and have advised him that the melting down of the FA Cup and even the players winners or losers medals is not in the spirit of the game.

“Obviously as the game’s governing body we are spineless and if Titus had enough money we would look the other way and let him do whatever he wanted, but as he has no money and Portsmouth are no longer the FA’s problem he can f*** right off.”

Mr Andronicus insists that should Pompey win tomorrow, once the players bonuses and those owing to Messrs Redknapp and Storrie were deducted from the TV money, the club would have added only another £22m of debt this week.

“These are happy days,” he said, pocketing another fees cheque.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Pompey give Chelsea final walkover

Chelsea have been awarded the 2010 FA Cup by default after Pompey agreed not to contest the final, scheduled for Saturday, May 15.

After today’s creditors’ meeting at Fratton Park revealed Pompey’s debt was spiralling owing to appearance fees and bonuses, club officials agreed not to play in the cup final to save on money.

Administrator Titus Andronicus explained: “This is the best situation for everybody. Nobody at the Premier League wanted Pompey in the final anyway and we couldn’t really afford appearance fees, image rights, suits or a coach.

“Instead we will be playing a kick-around in Milton Park adjacent to our home ground, where 140 fans can join in at the cost of just £1m each. In addition I will sign autographs and kiss babies for just £500,000 a shot.

“Next season we will be able to save even more money by not entering the FA Cup and instead will enter the first team in the FA Youth Cup for which they will all be eligible.

“We have already secured shirt sponsorship from 99p Stores Ltd who will also be selling the remainder of our first-team squad throughout the summer.”

Titus Andronicus is appearing in The Men from the Administry at Southsea’s King’s Theatre throughout the summer.