Friday, February 26, 2010

Fratton Latest: National Trust in Pompey talks

Details are emerging regarding the mystery buyers for cash-strapped Portsmouth Football Club.

Despite rumours heavily implicating a South African consortium, a spokesman for the National Trust has revealed that it is in fact the buyer involved.

Talks are at an advanced stage regarding taking over Fratton Park from the current owner, Balram Chanrai.

The spokesman said: “We see this as fitting well into our portfolio of other ancient buildings which have links to bygone eras the like of which have usually long since been demolished or condemned.

“The toilets at the Milton End alone warrant a preservation order as they are easily the most archaic since the Roman remains in Bath.

“We would like to thank the club for tailoring its financial input so as to retain these elements which on initial inspection made our assessors gasp!”

In connected developments, a team from the city’s University Archaeological Dept has been busy examining an area under the Fratton End stand.

Prof Ivor Trowell said: “It is not generally realised that this is a rich source of detail as to how pre-historic man lived. We came because of reports of fossilised foodstuffs being found in small compounds under the stand itself.

“We were, however, amazed to find living examples of Neanderthal man still present using their weird animal language. There have even been reports of a high priest or ‘Headman’ wearing ritualistic headgear and bearing tribal markings on his body.” Followers of this previously thought extinct cult also continue the use of tribal drums, blow horns and use trance-like chanting to intimidate or confront other tribes.

Also from the university, the Science Faculty has recently published a paper which has stunned the world of particle physics.

They have found that the recent owners of Portsmouth Football Club have evolved a process whereby matter can be transported without trace or, in a number of cases, made to wholly disappear.

Monies which have been received into the club have subsequently vanished without trace in a way previously thought impossible. Further, in a seeming complete reversal of the until now discredited practice of alchemy, vast amounts of a precious element, gold, have been transformed into a worthless base metal commonly found in bad pennies.

Peter O’Dear said on behalf of the club: “We have been working tirelessly behind the scenes and behind the bikeshed to explain this phenomenon.

“Someone has been doing something, somewhere at sometime in someway. This makes everything clear but I know that other bodies are also interested in our procedures.

“Suffice to say that I and others involved in this ‘ground’ breaking work will no doubt be getting a great deal of publicity about all this and we will fully deserve everything we get.”

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Pompey circumvent transfer window ban

Portsmouth’s loyal supporters were astonished on Saturday night to discover they had been sold in an attempt to raise funds for the stricken cash-strapped crisis (insert tired media cliché here) outfit.

Fans leaving the ground after the most recent defeat by Stoke City were taken to one side and told not to bother with travel arrangements for what may well be the club’s last game at Burnley next weekend. Instead, they were handed tickets for games at other clubs.

In a move that will shock no-one at all, carpet bagger Danny Aboogy is thought to have tied up the deal despite tireless work by chief defective officer Pat O’Stowey to convince people he has some influence on anything that goes on at Fratton Park.

“I’ve worked tirelessly behind the scenes,” he said. “But I’m a bit too tired to talk about that.”

Shocked Fratton Ender Albert Rhodes said: “Some shady-looking mush just come up and handed me a ticket for Bolton and Wolves. I could understand if it had been Spurs, as they’ve had everything else.”

Other regulars were ordered to report to venues across the country known for lack of atmosphere, such as Middlesbrough and Reading.

A club insider said: “The idea came from the 12 ‘Fans’ shirt. They’ve got rid of everything else – it seemed the next logical step to ship out the crowd.

"To tell you the truth – which no-one round here bothers with much anymore – Bogroll Chainflush [current owner] actually thought ‘Fans’ was the name of the star player. ‘I’ve heard a lot of good things about this ‘Fans’ he said. ‘We have to cash in on him'.

"I think we may also be selling some more supporters to clubs like Chelsea, Fulham, the Nottingham clubs or those on the Tees, Tyne, or even the Severn. After all Aboogy definitely said he was happy to sell the fans down the river...”

Thursday, February 4, 2010

We told you first ... well almost

e-Frattonise: always first with the news.

We refer you to our Christmas Day brothel story ...

David James waives extensions

Pompey's veteran England goalkeeper, David James, has agreed to waive hair extensions in favour of the full perm he modelled earlier in the season ... full story when the club gets another owner.

Hong Kong businessman wins Portsmouth FC in game of pass the parcel

Courtesy of Newsarse

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Pompey miss yet another deadline

In a not wholly unexpected move Pompey have missed the deadline posted by the Premier League to reveal the latest embarrassing financial cock-up.

A spokesman for the Premier League confirmed crisis club Portsmouth FC (CCPFC) had been given until 14:00hrs today to reveal the latest example of mis-management and financial ineptitude - but they had failed to register their latest debacle in time.

The spokesman said: "We cannot comment on individual cases but this is gettiing beyond a joke. We know Pompey is a complete and utter mess so there must be another financial cock-up to tell us about.

"For a start there's that Azougy fella going round acting as if he owns the place, so there must be something about him."

A spokesman for CCPFC admitted: "We have got plenty of stuff to own up to and had every intention of meeting the deadline but our fax was playing up. As a sign of goodwill and to confirm we will reveal another extraordinary example of inept management on a daily basis we have agreed not to pay Sacha Gaydamak the £9m we owe him.

"That clears the revelation debt which should have been posted by 14:00hrs today and we promise to meet our obligations by announcing another nail in the club's coffin tomorrow."

In unrelated news, CCPFC's chief executive Peter Storrie has applied for planning permission to extend his already palatial home on Hayling Island.

He said: "I've been sidelined in all transfer dealings and my position has become untenable so I'm concentrating on extending the swimming pool at home." 

Monday, February 1, 2010

Redknapp in shock move

In a move which shocked the football world on deadline day, Spurs' (THFC) manager Harry Redknapp did not sign any players from crisis club Portsmouth (CCPFC).

Redknapp admitted: "I'm known for my generous and honest nature and I have gone back as often as possible to spend as much as possible on a personal crusade to save the club.

"I'm sure the Pompey fans appreciate that without me there wouldn't be a crisis club Portsmouth FC. I had thought about going back for Richard Hughes, Danny Webber, Haydn Mullins and Aaron Mokoena, but even I will only stoop so low..."

A spokesman for CCPFC said: "Where's me desk? It was here five minutes ago. Has that bloody Azougy been round here again?"

Local security guard Private Fraser was heard to comment: "We're doomed!"