Friday, January 29, 2010

Premier League deny culpability

The Premier League has denied any culpability in the current crisis at Pompey amid claims its 'fit-and-proper-person test' is, as one pundit described it, "Shit!".

While a convicted fraudster attempts to sell off everything that moves at Fratton Park in an attempt to recoup debts incurred by previous owners, the Premier League moved quickly to insist that he wasn't acting as a 'shadow director' nor did he own the club while using Ali Al Mirage as a front-man.

A Premier League spokesman said: "We have investigated both of these claims during our coffee break and Google could find nothing to substantiate it.

"It would indeed appear that the gentleman concerned is a convicted fraudster in his home country and that he is selling off the club's crown jewels. But, even using Ask Jeeves, we could find no substantive evidence that he is the owner of Vulturedrone the club's parent company.

"The person concerned has, however, undergone the fit-and-proper-person test. Not to be a director, admittedly, but to ascertain if he was suitable to rip the arse out of one of the country's most historic football clubs and finally kill it off. And he is patently qualified to do that.

"This is just one of the many roles we at the Premier League fulfil which may not be appreciated by everyday fans ... whatever they are."

When asked why he was being held up by two burly minders duiring his press conference the spokesman confirmed: "Because I work for the Premier League - I have no backbone..."

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Pompey sign unique co-operation deal

Pompey have signed a unique co-operation deal with Voluntary Services Overseas (VSO).

VSO is the world’s leading independent international development organisation, working through volunteers to fight poverty in developing countries.

Its high-impact approach involves bringing people together to share skills, build capabilities, promote international understanding and action, and change lives to make the world a fairer place for all.

But in this ground-breaking agreement, volunteers from overseas will travel in the other direction to Fratton Park – probably from Africa.

A spokesman for the VSO said: “VSO volunteers generally go overseas to do their volunteering in places like Uganda , Ghana and Rwanda – poverty-stricken regions short of healthcare and education.

“Yet the indigenous people of these countries have been so taken with the poverty at Fratton Park that the latest news of the probable non-payment of wages has led many of them to volunteer to play for the club for the remainder of the season.”

One of the first volunteers was Zimbabwean midfielder Fiddel de Books, 44, who said: “I was moved by the plight of this poor club. From the pictures I have seen they have no running water, no money and are riddled with corruption.

“We Africans are only too familiar with this situation. Some of my friends do not understand why I would be prepared to fly to a foreign land and work for nothing, but it feels good to give something back.”

A Pompey spokesman confirmed the deal, while signing five-figure cheques for the club’s board members.

He said: “This is just the sort of forward thinking this club is becoming renowned for. Volunteering is the new working. Given that we’ve given up all hope of avoiding relegation already, we are only too happy to have overweight foreigners playing at no cost while our existing players walk away from their expensive contracts.

“Rest assured we are not in danger of administration with this sort of player recruitment policy. By the way, have I ever told you I’m a lawyer?”

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Help dig Pompey out of the mire

Pompey director, lawyer and mouthpiece Mark Jacob is encouraging Pompey fans to dig for victory.

He wants fans to turn up at Fratton Park tomorrow at 8.30am, complete with a shovel, and will offer each individual two tickets for Saturday's soon-to-be-postponed game against Birmingham.

A club spokesman said: "Pompey has always been a community club and the fans have, down the years, believed anything we have told them. However, in recent weeks, as we all know, there has been something of a storm here and as a result the pitch needs to be cleared of several months-worth of bullshit.

"We are not in the habit of blaming anybody for the mess, although Mr Jacob blames Sacha Gaydamak. Anybody turning up tomorrow will receive a pair of tickets for Saturday's game against Birmingham, and a 30-minute polemic from the boardroom's rabid Spurs fan, Mr Jacob.

"Naturally he is delighted with his team's form at the moment, much of which is down to them recruiting half of Pompey's team. He hopes the club's desperate financial straits will enable Harry Redknapp to return and take the rest of our decent players for next to nothing."

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Especially for those over 45

And now, with the time coming up to Administration, and snow preventing us from receiving our salaries, it's time to fill the schedules cheaply by looking back at some vintage BBC footage.

VOICE OVER: Welcome to a special edition of the popular 1960s TV game show What’s My Line? presented by the dead curmudgeon Gilbert Harding.

Our panelists this week have travelled from all across the globe including from … the other side. They are token toff Lady Isobel Barnett, magician David Nixon, camp ode orator Cyril Fletcher and, no show would be complete without the former dictator of Haiti, Fran├žois ‘Papa Doc’ Duvalier.

Will our first guests sign in and perform their mime please?

(In walk Pompey owner Ali Al Faraj, lawyer sidekick Mark Jacobs and convicted fraudster Daniel Azougy, who perform a quick mime but refuse to sign anything)

HARDING: (hic) Christ this is a motley bunch … anybody fancy a drink?

LADY ISOBEL BARNETT: Hallow! Your mime fascinated me dahlings. You didn’t look as if you really knew what you were doing but then appeared to be quickly gathering up something off the table and placing it in your pockets before running off. Is that the case?

MARK JACOBS: (Looks at colleagues then at Gilbert Harding for confirmation) Er, yes that would probably be correct.

HARDING: Don’t f****** look at me son. You’re on yer own here…

DAVID NIXON: I have a feeling this is something that I, as a magician and conjuror, would approve of. It’s all about making money disappear isn’t it?


HARDING: Just answer yes or no you slippery c***!

DAVID NIXON: I get the impression you move money from one receptacle to the other on a continual basis and then when the person from the audience tells you to stop and lifts the receptacle, the money’s gone. Is that so?


HARDING: Listen you little s**t. This isn’t how you play the game.

PAPA DOC: Gilbert, my friend; just let me have 10 minutes with him and the Tonton Macoutes. I’m sure we will soon receive a straight answer.

HARDING: You! (points at Al Faraj). You’re a bloody foreigner aren’t you? What are you doing over here? We didn’t fight a war to let the likes of you mime your job on a primetime black-and-white TV show.

ALI AL FARAJ: (Does very bad Alec Guiness impression – and holds his hand up in front of the panel) These are not the shysters you are looking for. Let them pass.

HARDING: And finally Cyril…

CYRIL FLETCHER: And finally Esther, I have been sent a de-barred lawyer in the shape of an amusing asset stripper. And this limerick from a Mrs Trellis, of North Wales, which put a bulge in my sack.

At Pompey the pay went amiss
Cos the directors were taking the piss
The fans had enough
Players left in a huff
And that’s all from Mrs Trellis.

It’s not very funny because I had to change the last line. It didn’t scan and I could only think of rhyming it with ‘Hunts’. Esther… (smiles inanely)

HARDING: F*** off the lot of you!

VOICE OVER: That’s all from What’s My Line? this week. Next week join us for a classic episode of the BBC Radio comedy I’m Sorry I’ll Pay That Again.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

By Norm Deplume

Pompey clowns were insisting last night that there would be exciting news by ‘Ooh, at least Wednesday (next)’ for their beleaguered band of dwindling supporters.

In an exclusive to anyone who could still be bothered to take him seriously, chief cook, bottle-washer and massive Spurs fan Mark Jacobs pretended to give two hoots about 110 years of history going straight down the pan.

“You ungrateful lot really don’t know how hard it is,” he said. “Me, the Chuckle brothers and that fat bloke – no not Storrie, the other one, with the beard – have been working round the clock, 25/8, or sometimes even 26/9, on excuses,” he said, bending the principles of time and rubbing the bags under his eyes for effect.

“It’s about time we were cut some slack by these ingrates with their endless questions and hassle – I mean, you lot waited months before you finally realised how bad Aaron Mokoena was – they only call him the axe because wherever he goes everyone wants him to be chopped out of the team.”

“There will be an injection of finance into the club, the levels of which you won’t believe,” he continued, before realising he’d used that line before. “Anyway, I can’t say too much, but we’ve been offered 38p for John Utaka, but my bid to pass off a Panini sticker of David James as the real thing wasn’t fooling anyone – even though I had got £1 for it.”

Long-standing fans – many of whom feel like they need a good lie-down – could be forgiven for thinking the light at the end of the tunnel could just be a train coming the other way. “Even a week in the Hadron Collider would be preferable to this never-ending bag of old bollocks,” said A Mush, of Leigh Park.