Wednesday, December 15, 2010
In an exclusive made-up interview with Frattonise, Cotterill said: “While the situation is farcical and could only happen at Fratton Park, it will not make any difference to our recruitment policy in January, as it has been made clear to me that Bogroll Chainmail has no intention of putting money into the club whatsoever.
“Even if this situation hadn’t been ongoing, we would not have been bringing anybody in as that would require commitment and money.”
A spokesman for Mr Chainmail said: “He is a Pompey fan but has no interest in football. He is looking to take the club back to its rightful place in the Premier League but is also looking to sell. Make of that what you will. Suckers!”
Monday, November 1, 2010
A Government spokesman said: “We have already taken the decision to axe HMS Ark Royal and we don’t have the facility to maintain such a large specimen as Richard Hughes either.
“It is not a decision we have taken lightly but such massive anachronisms are a constant drain on tax-payers’ money and the current economic situation does not allow for their continued use. Both will be mothballed and placed in Portsmouth Harbour.”
The immediate axing of Ark Royal and Hughes will leave the UK without a vessel capable of flying jets for around a decade while two new vessels are built at a cost of £5.2 billion.
A spokesman for Portsmouth Dockyard, where sailmakers have been gainfully employed producing Hughes’ shorts since 2002, said: “This is another huge blow for the naval city of Portsmouth.
“After Andy Awford retired in 2000 we thought the art of sailmaking might die in the city completely, but the signing of Hughes saved around 150 jobs. This latest news has left many of us wondering what the future holds.”
Hughes, 31, will be towed out into Portsmouth Harbour later this week where he is expected to remain until being sold to a third-world navy … or Aldershot.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Experts at the University of Portsmouth have been called in to reassure Pompey fans that they have not been sent back in time.
Hundreds of Pompey fans witnessed the club’s administrator, Titus Andronicus, go on record as stating that Bogroll Chainmail’s takeover will be ratified by the Football League at its next meeting.
That followed a Pie-in-theSkySports interview in which former owner Milan Madandrich said he would be interested in returning to Pompey before categorically denying it.
A spokesman for the university, Professor Tim Travel, explained: “Understandably the Pompey fans believed they had already experienced both of these phenomena before. But it is not an example of time travel, merely a sense of tiresome déjà vu.
“We fully expect Mr Andronicus to come out with the same old bollocks again in a couple of weeks while Mr Madandrich will almost certainly indulge in some similar rhetoric before Pompey play at Leicester if he’s still the chairman. That way he will be seen on TV again and get a cheer from the Pompey fans – again just tiresome déjà vu with no substance whatsoever.”
Scientists believe time travel is theoretically possible though some way off, while Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp claimed to have invented time travel in 1976 with “me old pal Bobby Moore…”
Friday, September 17, 2010
Kevin Prince Boateng's move to Genoa triggered a £5m 'he didn't move to us' clause in a hitherto undiscovered contract cooked up between old chums Judas Catknipp and Jack A Story, while Papa Bouba Diop's departure also looks set to boost the North London club's coffers.
Meanwhile Pompey are hoping to invoke a clause which will see 91 other clubs hand over cash to the south-coast outfit if they agree never to sell barn-door missing front-man David Nugent.
A spokesman for Spurs said: "Pompey are in a right fucking mess fershure - there's loads of money to be made by dealing with the muppets that used to be in charge. Even a "friend" of mine was on 10 per cent of every profit made...
"What a ship of fools."
A spokesman for Pompey said: "In newspaper-cliched naval parlance, this ship of fools is holed beneath the waterline..."
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Frattonise can exclusively reveal that bumbling administrator Titus Andronicus is holding up our bid to purchase the club.
A spokesman for the satirical website, Kevin Phillips-Bong, said: “We’ve yet to see anything from the administrator which we can understand.
“The main backer behind the bid is only on Janet & John 5E and Titus Andronicus' paperwork has some really long words in it. It’s not fair.
“And he keeps saying we don’t have any money, which isn’t true. I get pocket money every week and we are backed by a lifelong Pompey fan, Paddy Dry-Lining, a local plasterer. He’s self-employed so he has lots of spare cash.”
Frattonise’s bid is also tied in with financial borrowing from the Fratton Bridge Loan Co – and Phillips-Bong revealed the monthly instalments would be paid courtesy of the kids he would beat up at school who would willingly donate their dinner money.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
“It promises to be a classic and is expected to run until further notice. Catch it while you can – it’s hilarious,” the statement concluded. Pompey will collect the award as soon the club's award-receiving ban is lifted by the Football League.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
The former Pompey owner said today: “Everybody knows about my love affair with Portsmouth and what I achieved there.
“Everybody can recall how I sat astride a JCB wearing a hard hat to start the building of a new stadium. I fully intend to sit on that same JCB and dig down another foot – albeit wearing a different hard hat.
“After another few years I firmly believe the hole will be big enough to bury the financial records of Peter Storrie, Harry Redknapp and myself. I promise fans of Portsmouth I will only leave the hole in a better state than it was when I took over.
“And hopefully, once we fill in the hole the records will be lost and we can start on that statue I was promised by the Supporters Advisory Panel. Nice people – I appointed them myself…”
Monday, August 23, 2010
Baby PFC as he/she is known is due on December 14 and has already gathered together sufficient funds to guarantee a bridging loan.
A spokesman for the embryo, whose father, property developer Gordon Bennett, was declared bankrupt earlier this year, insists the funds belong to the unborn child and that his/her father “is not involved in any way - no sirree…”
Apparently the embryo has made his/her fortune selling nutrients and placenta on the forward markets.
The spokesman added: “Baby PFC is keen to stress at this stage that his/her parents are not involved in the takeover. All the money is the bank’s and is guaranteed by future sales of placenta and afterbirth.
“All the funds should be in place around mid-December providing the mother can deliver on time. Baby PFC sees the development potential for Fratton Park as a crèche and has promised not to throw his/her toys out of the pram if negotiations get tough.”
A spokesman for the Pompey Truss – the support organisation – said: “We are treating these reports with some caution, after all we have had a previous owner who insisted his father wasn’t involved with the club and look what happened there.
“On the other hand Baby PFC does seem a lot more credible than Ali al Faraj, whom we don’t expect to see born at any stage…”
Portsmouth Football Club is 112 years old.
Friday, July 9, 2010
He added: "Mr Chainmail is ideally placed to take on the club through his non-investment company Loophole Poldings, I mean Porthole Loadings. Nobody is better placed to take on the club as nobody has instucted me quite as well as Mr Chainmail.
"He invested a lot of money in the club before it went into administration and is desperately keen to take it back out again. Accusations that he will run the club into the ground are wide of the mark - it's already there. It will be a mercy killing."
The club's new chief executive, former 70s comedy character Dick Lampwick (pictured), said: "Is it me or is there a funny smell around here?"
The news did not go down well with all Pompey fans.
"The news will not go down well with all Pompey fans," said Pompey fan Roger Daltrey. "Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH we won't get fooled again," he added.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Administrator Titus Andronicus – and his gravy train entourage including Bogroll Chainmail and Peter Storrie – has arranged an all-expenses-paid trip to the USA and Canada this summer.
In a further example of the way the trio ‘work tirelessly’ for the club they will head west to sun themselves in California, before taking in the sights of Edmonton, Alberta, and either Portland, Oregon, or Washington DC.
Andronicus said: “I’ve always wanted to see Washington so I hope we go there. And it will allow me some semblance of anonymity as nobody will know me out there so I won’t get asked for autographs.
“The trip won’t cost us a penny – which is just as well because we don’t have two to rub together – and the teams out there have been impressed by the passion of the Pompey fans, so have jumped at the chance for us to visit.
“Obviously very few of the fans will be able to see the games because the cost of the trip would prove prohibitive. That’s why we arrange games against teams like Bournemouth and Havant, so the plebs can go along and see our youth team in action.
“But they needn’t worry. Mr Chainmail and Mr Storrie have lots of relatives we can give the tickets to if they’re going spare.”
* Frattonise has teamed up with Pompey’s exclusive partner tour operator Titus Travel to offer a special rate for fans travelling to the clash with Gosport Borough in August. For just £199 fans can get a place on the back of a moped to the game, free entry and a burger with all the trimmings. Programmes are not included. No refund is available although you may get 20p in the pound if you’re lucky…
Friday, May 21, 2010
A police spokesman said: “It would appear that Portsmouth Football Club disappeared last night into the massive chasm in class between the resignations of former managers Avram Grant and Harry ‘the best manager they ever ‘ad’ Redknapp.
“The disappearance followed the dignified way which Mr Grant apparently left the club. We are also following up suggestions that the club may have been swept away on a wave of emotion following the resignation, whereas when Mr Redknapp departed it just left a nasty smell.
“We are sure the club will resurface soon probably with a well-known kebab shop owner at the helm.”
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Storrie, who claims to be 18 despite working tirelessly for Pompey for the last 112 years, believes he may still have a role to play in the club’s future.
He said: “Ford Prison is only about 25 miles from Fratton Park so there’s every chance if I’m let out on day release I could still work for the club in some capacity.
“I have enormous experience in getting teams into financial difficulty – Pompey, West Ham, Southend United, Notts County – so it would understandable if a new owner wished to tap into that knowledge.
“I’m keen to cover my arse further to ensure that I’m on the periphery of any potential fallout from my handling of Pompey’s pecuniary downfall. A few critics – though I must say most fans still love me – have accused me of being incompetent over Pompey’s downall.
“But I believe I have been masterful in Pompey’s downfall. Much of it was down to me yet I kept coming up smelling of roses - at least in my own mind.”
Storrie, whose integrity has never been questioned by anybody living in his Hayling home, says he is now keen to go into showbusiness.
“I’ve been invited on to the popular BBC programme Would I Lie to You, as a guest panellist. I’m told I’m just what they’re looking for: a complete c***!”
*Just go Storrie! You are not wanted!
Friday, May 14, 2010
The shady kebab-dealer-turned-debt-finding administrator had suggested to the blazers at the FA that if Pompey were to win the cup he might pawn the famous old trophy at the Leigh Park Cash Converters, or worse still melt it down to make a nice lapel badge for club owner and puppet-master Bogroll Chainmail.
However, FA bigwig Blaze Erntie-Combination, insists that will not be allowed to happen.
Mr Erntie-Combination, a 134-year-old retired solicitor who sits on the FA management committee, explained: “We have had a meeting with Titus undercover of darkness and have advised him that the melting down of the FA Cup and even the players winners or losers medals is not in the spirit of the game.
“Obviously as the game’s governing body we are spineless and if Titus had enough money we would look the other way and let him do whatever he wanted, but as he has no money and Portsmouth are no longer the FA’s problem he can f*** right off.”
Mr Andronicus insists that should Pompey win tomorrow, once the players bonuses and those owing to Messrs Redknapp and Storrie were deducted from the TV money, the club would have added only another £22m of debt this week.
“These are happy days,” he said, pocketing another fees cheque.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
After today’s creditors’ meeting at Fratton Park revealed Pompey’s debt was spiralling owing to appearance fees and bonuses, club officials agreed not to play in the cup final to save on money.
Administrator Titus Andronicus explained: “This is the best situation for everybody. Nobody at the Premier League wanted Pompey in the final anyway and we couldn’t really afford appearance fees, image rights, suits or a coach.
“Instead we will be playing a kick-around in Milton Park adjacent to our home ground, where 140 fans can join in at the cost of just £1m each. In addition I will sign autographs and kiss babies for just £500,000 a shot.
“Next season we will be able to save even more money by not entering the FA Cup and instead will enter the first team in the FA Youth Cup for which they will all be eligible.
“We have already secured shirt sponsorship from 99p Stores Ltd who will also be selling the remainder of our first-team squad throughout the summer.”
Titus Andronicus is appearing in The Men from the Administry at Southsea’s King’s Theatre throughout the summer.
Monday, April 26, 2010
He has asked the fans if they could club together to help pay his domestic staff, some of whom have not been able to earn any money since he laid them off.
“Obviously I’m not concerned about them,” said Storrie, “but my laundry is building up, the garden needs tending and these selfish bastards simply refuse to work tirelessly for no money.
“So if the fans could club together to help I could once again put my feet up in a crisp linen shirt while looking out over acres of beautifully tended garden. I’m sure that’s what the fans would want after all I did for them.”
You can donate to Mr Storrie’s appeal at www.justathievingbastard/pfcfans
Saturday, April 17, 2010
They claim their research demonstrates that the eruption was caused by subsonic tones contained within Everton boss Moyes perpetual whining about Portsmouth. These tones have irritated the earths crust to such an extent that the volcano has tried to launch itself into space just to get away from his tedious moaning about how unfair it all is.
Professor Ovten Styalfings said "we believe there is good reason to suggest that a number of natural disasters in recent years can be traced back to Moyes moaning about Portsmouth getting into Europe, winning the cup, attracting better players and so on."
And Styalfings claims the evidence is obvious for everyone to see. "Just look at Moyes face. Even his own eyes are palpably trying to escape from the subsonic frequencies generated by his latest ranting about Portsmouth and Europe."
Everton boss Moyes had complained that his Everton side shouldn't be denied a place in Europe just because they hadn't earnt one. He is rumoured to have told the Football Association that if Everton aren't given someone elses place in Europe he will cry until the seas boil and Atlantis rises from under the sea.
Moyes was unavailable to comment last night, because his lower lip was stuck out too far.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Could have been written by many of us - but it was courtesy of the News of the World and the UK's 'number one sports columnist' - see here
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Take a look: http://bleacherreport.com/articles/359695-the-storrie-of-the-blues
Monday, March 8, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
And several prominent figures have jumped to his defence, including among others, highly respected and 100 per honest best selling author, former Tory MP and jailbird Geoffrey Orcher.
“Jack is one of the most honest people I have ever met,” insisted Orcher, handing over a brown envelope he collected from behind a radiator.
“I’m staggered that people can criticise a man who, as chief executive officer, has presided over such a sound financial model as that displayed by Portsmouth FC. He’s also one of the best story-tellers around, up there with me, Barbara Cartland and Peter Mandelson.”
A’Storrie said: “I am shocked by the level of abuse on websites, emails and local radio which I have received over the last couple of days.
“I was expecting a lot more – after all, in a business the buck stops here at the desk of the CEO.
“But it would appear that fans have been taken in by me working tirelessly to portray myself as a victim. I have - not just in the past 18 months but during my entire spell at the club - worked tirelessly to keep my name in the papers and attempt to deflect away any criticism.
“I have been working tirelessly to get members of my family on the club pay-roll and have succeeded in at least providing a cushy number for my nephew.
“I have also worked tirelessly behind the scenes to convince people I’m helpless in the decision-making process, while still taking my not inconsiderable basic salary – though it is nowhere near the £1.4m frequently quoted; you have to take into account all the bonuses to get near that – and still signing-off transfers I’ve insisted were not signed off by me.
“The fans obviously appreciate that I have shielded them from the club’s excesses by lying tirelessly about the state of the club’s finances, and not acting in a manner which many other less responsible CEOs would have done.
“I told the fans that the new owners would take the club to a ‘level they would not believe’ – and I have been proved correct in that assessment.
“I have really enjoyed my eight years at the club and have worked tirelessly during that time to secrete away a tidy next egg to help me set up home in Australia.
“My decision to stand down has not been taken lightly, but I have had to take into account the views of the administrator, the legal profession, Harry Redknapp’s lawyers, several thousand angry Pompey fans, who have shown a distasteful lack of naivety, and the producers of BBC’s Panorama.
“I hope that the sale of the club goes through because I have worked tirelessly to convince Pompey fans that I was one of the good eggs. Those who still believe me are true Pompey fans and those who dispute what I say are merely a bunch of ***** who deserve to see their team go out of business.
“Don’t use those exact words – butter it up a bit to make me sound a decent sort of bloke. But do keep using the word ‘tirelessly’ as I like that…”
Friday, February 26, 2010
Despite rumours heavily implicating a South African consortium, a spokesman for the National Trust has revealed that it is in fact the buyer involved.
Talks are at an advanced stage regarding taking over Fratton Park from the current owner, Balram Chanrai.
The spokesman said: “We see this as fitting well into our portfolio of other ancient buildings which have links to bygone eras the like of which have usually long since been demolished or condemned.
“The toilets at the Milton End alone warrant a preservation order as they are easily the most archaic since the Roman remains in Bath.
“We would like to thank the club for tailoring its financial input so as to retain these elements which on initial inspection made our assessors gasp!”
In connected developments, a team from the city’s University Archaeological Dept has been busy examining an area under the Fratton End stand.
Prof Ivor Trowell said: “It is not generally realised that this is a rich source of detail as to how pre-historic man lived. We came because of reports of fossilised foodstuffs being found in small compounds under the stand itself.
“We were, however, amazed to find living examples of Neanderthal man still present using their weird animal language. There have even been reports of a high priest or ‘Headman’ wearing ritualistic headgear and bearing tribal markings on his body.” Followers of this previously thought extinct cult also continue the use of tribal drums, blow horns and use trance-like chanting to intimidate or confront other tribes.
Also from the university, the Science Faculty has recently published a paper which has stunned the world of particle physics.
They have found that the recent owners of Portsmouth Football Club have evolved a process whereby matter can be transported without trace or, in a number of cases, made to wholly disappear.
Monies which have been received into the club have subsequently vanished without trace in a way previously thought impossible. Further, in a seeming complete reversal of the until now discredited practice of alchemy, vast amounts of a precious element, gold, have been transformed into a worthless base metal commonly found in bad pennies.
Peter O’Dear said on behalf of the club: “We have been working tirelessly behind the scenes and behind the bikeshed to explain this phenomenon.
“Someone has been doing something, somewhere at sometime in someway. This makes everything clear but I know that other bodies are also interested in our procedures.
“Suffice to say that I and others involved in this ‘ground’ breaking work will no doubt be getting a great deal of publicity about all this and we will fully deserve everything we get.”
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Fans leaving the ground after the most recent defeat by Stoke City were taken to one side and told not to bother with travel arrangements for what may well be the club’s last game at Burnley next weekend. Instead, they were handed tickets for games at other clubs.
In a move that will shock no-one at all, carpet bagger Danny Aboogy is thought to have tied up the deal despite tireless work by chief defective officer Pat O’Stowey to convince people he has some influence on anything that goes on at Fratton Park.
“I’ve worked tirelessly behind the scenes,” he said. “But I’m a bit too tired to talk about that.”
Shocked Fratton Ender Albert Rhodes said: “Some shady-looking mush just come up and handed me a ticket for Bolton and Wolves. I could understand if it had been Spurs, as they’ve had everything else.”
Other regulars were ordered to report to venues across the country known for lack of atmosphere, such as Middlesbrough and Reading.
A club insider said: “The idea came from the 12 ‘Fans’ shirt. They’ve got rid of everything else – it seemed the next logical step to ship out the crowd.
"To tell you the truth – which no-one round here bothers with much anymore – Bogroll Chainflush [current owner] actually thought ‘Fans’ was the name of the star player. ‘I’ve heard a lot of good things about this ‘Fans’ he said. ‘We have to cash in on him'.
"I think we may also be selling some more supporters to clubs like Chelsea, Fulham, the Nottingham clubs or those on the Tees, Tyne, or even the Severn. After all Aboogy definitely said he was happy to sell the fans down the river...”
Thursday, February 4, 2010
We refer you to our Christmas Day brothel story ...
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
A spokesman for the Premier League confirmed crisis club Portsmouth FC (CCPFC) had been given until 14:00hrs today to reveal the latest example of mis-management and financial ineptitude - but they had failed to register their latest debacle in time.
The spokesman said: "We cannot comment on individual cases but this is gettiing beyond a joke. We know Pompey is a complete and utter mess so there must be another financial cock-up to tell us about.
"For a start there's that Azougy fella going round acting as if he owns the place, so there must be something about him."
A spokesman for CCPFC admitted: "We have got plenty of stuff to own up to and had every intention of meeting the deadline but our fax was playing up. As a sign of goodwill and to confirm we will reveal another extraordinary example of inept management on a daily basis we have agreed not to pay Sacha Gaydamak the £9m we owe him.
"That clears the revelation debt which should have been posted by 14:00hrs today and we promise to meet our obligations by announcing another nail in the club's coffin tomorrow."
In unrelated news, CCPFC's chief executive Peter Storrie has applied for planning permission to extend his already palatial home on Hayling Island.
He said: "I've been sidelined in all transfer dealings and my position has become untenable so I'm concentrating on extending the swimming pool at home."
Monday, February 1, 2010
Redknapp admitted: "I'm known for my generous and honest nature and I have gone back as often as possible to spend as much as possible on a personal crusade to save the club.
"I'm sure the Pompey fans appreciate that without me there wouldn't be a crisis club Portsmouth FC. I had thought about going back for Richard Hughes, Danny Webber, Haydn Mullins and Aaron Mokoena, but even I will only stoop so low..."
A spokesman for CCPFC said: "Where's me desk? It was here five minutes ago. Has that bloody Azougy been round here again?"
Local security guard Private Fraser was heard to comment: "We're doomed!"
Friday, January 29, 2010
While a convicted fraudster attempts to sell off everything that moves at Fratton Park in an attempt to recoup debts incurred by previous owners, the Premier League moved quickly to insist that he wasn't acting as a 'shadow director' nor did he own the club while using Ali Al Mirage as a front-man.
A Premier League spokesman said: "We have investigated both of these claims during our coffee break and Google could find nothing to substantiate it.
"It would indeed appear that the gentleman concerned is a convicted fraudster in his home country and that he is selling off the club's crown jewels. But, even using Ask Jeeves, we could find no substantive evidence that he is the owner of Vulturedrone the club's parent company.
"The person concerned has, however, undergone the fit-and-proper-person test. Not to be a director, admittedly, but to ascertain if he was suitable to rip the arse out of one of the country's most historic football clubs and finally kill it off. And he is patently qualified to do that.
"This is just one of the many roles we at the Premier League fulfil which may not be appreciated by everyday fans ... whatever they are."
When asked why he was being held up by two burly minders duiring his press conference the spokesman confirmed: "Because I work for the Premier League - I have no backbone..."
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Pompey have signed a unique co-operation deal with Voluntary Services Overseas (VSO).
VSO is the world’s leading independent international development organisation, working through volunteers to fight poverty in developing countries.
Its high-impact approach involves bringing people together to share skills, build capabilities, promote international understanding and action, and change lives to make the world a fairer place for all.
But in this ground-breaking agreement, volunteers from overseas will travel in the other direction to Fratton Park – probably from Africa.
A spokesman for the VSO said: “VSO volunteers generally go overseas to do their volunteering in places like Uganda , Ghana and Rwanda – poverty-stricken regions short of healthcare and education.
“Yet the indigenous people of these countries have been so taken with the poverty at Fratton Park that the latest news of the probable non-payment of wages has led many of them to volunteer to play for the club for the remainder of the season.”
One of the first volunteers was Zimbabwean midfielder Fiddel de Books, 44, who said: “I was moved by the plight of this poor club. From the pictures I have seen they have no running water, no money and are riddled with corruption.
“We Africans are only too familiar with this situation. Some of my friends do not understand why I would be prepared to fly to a foreign land and work for nothing, but it feels good to give something back.”
A Pompey spokesman confirmed the deal, while signing five-figure cheques for the club’s board members.
He said: “This is just the sort of forward thinking this club is becoming renowned for. Volunteering is the new working. Given that we’ve given up all hope of avoiding relegation already, we are only too happy to have overweight foreigners playing at no cost while our existing players walk away from their expensive contracts.
“Rest assured we are not in danger of administration with this sort of player recruitment policy. By the way, have I ever told you I’m a lawyer?”
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
He wants fans to turn up at Fratton Park tomorrow at 8.30am, complete with a shovel, and will offer each individual two tickets for Saturday's soon-to-be-postponed game against Birmingham.
A club spokesman said: "Pompey has always been a community club and the fans have, down the years, believed anything we have told them. However, in recent weeks, as we all know, there has been something of a storm here and as a result the pitch needs to be cleared of several months-worth of bullshit.
"We are not in the habit of blaming anybody for the mess, although Mr Jacob blames Sacha Gaydamak. Anybody turning up tomorrow will receive a pair of tickets for Saturday's game against Birmingham, and a 30-minute polemic from the boardroom's rabid Spurs fan, Mr Jacob.
"Naturally he is delighted with his team's form at the moment, much of which is down to them recruiting half of Pompey's team. He hopes the club's desperate financial straits will enable Harry Redknapp to return and take the rest of our decent players for next to nothing."
Thursday, January 7, 2010
VOICE OVER: Welcome to a special edition of the popular 1960s TV game show What’s My Line? presented by the dead curmudgeon Gilbert Harding.
Our panelists this week have travelled from all across the globe including from … the other side. They are token toff Lady Isobel Barnett, magician David Nixon, camp ode orator Cyril Fletcher and, no show would be complete without the former dictator of Haiti, François ‘Papa Doc’ Duvalier.
Will our first guests sign in and perform their mime please?
(In walk Pompey owner Ali Al Faraj, lawyer sidekick Mark Jacobs and convicted fraudster Daniel Azougy, who perform a quick mime but refuse to sign anything)
HARDING: (hic) Christ this is a motley bunch … anybody fancy a drink?
LADY ISOBEL BARNETT: Hallow! Your mime fascinated me dahlings. You didn’t look as if you really knew what you were doing but then appeared to be quickly gathering up something off the table and placing it in your pockets before running off. Is that the case?
MARK JACOBS: (Looks at colleagues then at Gilbert Harding for confirmation) Er, yes that would probably be correct.
HARDING: Don’t f****** look at me son. You’re on yer own here…
DAVID NIXON: I have a feeling this is something that I, as a magician and conjuror, would approve of. It’s all about making money disappear isn’t it?
DANIEL AZOUGY: No comment
HARDING: Just answer yes or no you slippery c***!
DAVID NIXON: I get the impression you move money from one receptacle to the other on a continual basis and then when the person from the audience tells you to stop and lifts the receptacle, the money’s gone. Is that so?
DANIEL AZOUGY: No comment
HARDING: Listen you little s**t. This isn’t how you play the game.
PAPA DOC: Gilbert, my friend; just let me have 10 minutes with him and the Tonton Macoutes. I’m sure we will soon receive a straight answer.
HARDING: You! (points at Al Faraj). You’re a bloody foreigner aren’t you? What are you doing over here? We didn’t fight a war to let the likes of you mime your job on a primetime black-and-white TV show.
ALI AL FARAJ: (Does very bad Alec Guiness impression – and holds his hand up in front of the panel) These are not the shysters you are looking for. Let them pass.
HARDING: And finally Cyril…
CYRIL FLETCHER: And finally Esther, I have been sent a de-barred lawyer in the shape of an amusing asset stripper. And this limerick from a Mrs Trellis, of North Wales, which put a bulge in my sack.
At Pompey the pay went amiss
Cos the directors were taking the piss
The fans had enough
Players left in a huff
And that’s all from Mrs Trellis.
It’s not very funny because I had to change the last line. It didn’t scan and I could only think of rhyming it with ‘Hunts’. Esther… (smiles inanely)
HARDING: F*** off the lot of you!
VOICE OVER: That’s all from What’s My Line? this week. Next week join us for a classic episode of the BBC Radio comedy I’m Sorry I’ll Pay That Again.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
By Norm Deplume
Pompey clowns were insisting last night that there would be exciting news by ‘Ooh, at least Wednesday (next)’ for their beleaguered band of dwindling supporters.
In an exclusive to anyone who could still be bothered to take him seriously, chief cook, bottle-washer and massive Spurs fan Mark Jacobs pretended to give two hoots about 110 years of history going straight down the pan.
“You ungrateful lot really don’t know how hard it is,” he said. “Me, the Chuckle brothers and that fat bloke – no not Storrie, the other one, with the beard – have been working round the clock, 25/8, or sometimes even 26/9, on excuses,” he said, bending the principles of time and rubbing the bags under his eyes for effect.
“It’s about time we were cut some slack by these ingrates with their endless questions and hassle – I mean, you lot waited months before you finally realised how bad Aaron Mokoena was – they only call him the axe because wherever he goes everyone wants him to be chopped out of the team.”
“There will be an injection of finance into the club, the levels of which you won’t believe,” he continued, before realising he’d used that line before. “Anyway, I can’t say too much, but we’ve been offered 38p for John Utaka, but my bid to pass off a Panini sticker of David James as the real thing wasn’t fooling anyone – even though I had got £1 for it.”
Long-standing fans – many of whom feel like they need a good lie-down – could be forgiven for thinking the light at the end of the tunnel could just be a train coming the other way. “Even a week in the Hadron Collider would be preferable to this never-ending bag of old bollocks,” said A Mush, of Leigh Park.