Friday, December 25, 2009

Brothel boss 'looking for investors'

The Premiership manager at the centre of the brothel storm has been cleared of any wrongdoing.

An anonymous statement believed to have been put out by his club's owners said: "The manager concerned is innocent of all charges levied at him by the tabloid concerned.

"He does not deny visiting the brothel, but did not do so as a paying client. Our club is in such dire financial straits he was working a shift. Sadly, after an hour he had still to attract any custom and decided to head to home, which was when he was confonted by a journalist.

"Like many people at the club he was simply out looking for investors."

Friday, December 18, 2009

Pompey defend Azougy appointment

Pompey have defended the decision to employ convicted fraduster Daniel Azougy as the club's asset-stripper.

The Sun revealed today (Friday) that Azougy has a string of convictions for fraud dating back eight years, including being sentenced to five months in prison - time he ultimately spent in community service instead.

"We needed somebody with Azougy's insight into money matters to work out what the hell has happened here over the past couple of years," said the spokesman.

"If somebody with his background can't make head nor tail of it we really are screwed. Admittedly, we didn't imagine his personal history woould become known, after all where better for an orange to hide than in a fruit bowl..."

Match will go ahead insist Pompey

A Pompey spokesman has allayed fans' fears that tomorrow's crucial clash with Liverpool at Fratton Park could fall victim to the weather.

He said: "We were aware that we would have a snowstorm at some stage and that the pitch would become frozen. But we have already made contingency plans.

"Executive director of fantasy Sulaiman al Fahim, mysterious owner's front-man Mark Jacob and the Jeffrey Archer of football club management, Peter Storrie, will be holding press conferences on the pitch from midday today for 24 hours. That should ensure there is sufficient hot air to keep the pitch clear.

"And, if that doesn't prove enough we are sure Milan Mandaric and Harry Redknapp will offer their own brand of hot air - they've always been keen enough to chip-in in the past."

Friday, December 11, 2009

Club statement - the translation

Following the release of a club statement, e-Frattonise's team of Mandarin translation experts have used the latest technology to read between the lines. Fittingly the translation is noted between the lines...

The owner and board of Portsmouth Football Club are disappointed at recent inaccurate media speculation regarding the club's finances and the threat of administration.

***Somebody blabbed

Ali Al Faraj and his associates took over the running of the club and inherited a business that had substantial debts. Dealing with the finances has been the priority since Al Faraj came in to pay the players before taking over the club from Sulaiman Al Fahim.

***We’ve been sold a pup

The club is not going into administration. If that were the case it would have happened at the end of September or early October. This week alone, HM Revenue and Customs were paid £2m and other historical arrears are being dealt with on an ongoing basis.

***The players won’t get paid for December

The new owner has not had the benefit of TV revenue to aid the club, with the next major instalment due in January. However, he and his associates have already invested substantial funds to keep the club operating and will continue to do so.

***We’re being bled dry

The owner remains committed to the club and has shown that through his investment to date. He will also provide manager Avram Grant with all the tools he needs to ensure the club reaches a position the players’ performances deserve - away from the relegation zone.

***Avram Grant will get a Black & Decker Workmate for Christmas and some duck tape to paper over the cracks

Despite media rumours Peter Storrie remains chief executive and has been holding talks on behalf of the club in other parts of the world.

***Peter Storrie has bought a house in Australia and will be moving there soon

Much is happening behind the scenes but constant malicious rumours and speculation do not assist with the proposed major long-term funding that is currently being put in place.

***Stop expecting us to do things!

Finally, we would like to place on record our thanks for the unwavering support shown by our very loyal fans.

***As David Soul once said: “Don’t give up on us baby”

Friday, December 4, 2009

The loan arranger

We can confirm that as off 5pm this evening the wages and hosting charges for e-Frattonise have been paid.

We can confirm we took out a loan to cover the wages and the interest incurred on a loan we took out the last time we failed to cover the interest on the loan that was brokered to cover the missed repayments on the mortgage.

The mortgage was taken out on the stadium as a direct result of us not having any money to cover the original loan from the then owners who had borrowed against the stadium.

We hope this clarifies the situation, which is, quite simply, we’re buggered…

A site statement

As you may have heard from scurrilous tabloid rumour reporting, it is claimed the people behind e-Frattonise have not been paid this week.

There is, admittedly, some truth in this desperate example of lazy journalism, but we would like to state that at no stage, except for the last three months, has e-Frattonise failed to pay its hosting fees.

We are assured by our financial backers - Walter Mitty, Billy Liar, Michael Knighton, Frank Abagnale and Peter de Sisto - that there will be plenty of money available to pay all salaries and hosting fees by the time Babe the pig soars over Fratton Park tomorrow.