Wednesday, November 25, 2009


The chairman of Portsmouth Football Club, Sulaiman al Fahim, has spoken of his shock and surprise at finding out via the media that the club no longer existed and he was responsible for all its debts.

Al Fahim, who insists “there’s no need to panic”, arrived at Fratton Park yesterday to find bulldozers preparing to raze the stadium to the ground. He then entered into a discussion with a local reporter who updated him on the situation.

Al Fahim said: “Apparently there has been a new stadium built elsewhere in the city but I have been kept in the dark. I was not involved in the decision at all. I'm disappointed with the way the board decided this, I should have been called.

“They have set up a new company and given me 100 per cent of the shares of the old one and all the debts. As chairman of the club I have an interest in the club and they should have run this by me. I’m really disappointed with the decision.

“What’s more I’ve no idea where I’m supposed to go to watch Saturday’s game. I think this is a deliberate ploy to exclude me from the decision-making processes of the club.”

News that al Fahim was to be deliberately excluded from the decision-making processes of the club was welcomed by Nathaniel Treehugger, chairman of the unofficial Portsmouth supporters club, and publicity-seeking media whore.

He said: “I’ve been told by the current owners to say that this is good news for the club.

“At least they were the current owners when I spoke to them last night. Obviously, at Portsmouth Football Club, that may have changed overnight.

“But fans shouldn’t worry as they will be informed about the new location of a stadium by email from the club, so they will receive notification at least seven times, but maybe not in time to see Saturday’s game.

“They can rest assured that with the likes of me and super radio pundit Frank O’Funeral having the ear of the owners we are in good hands.”

Al Fahim added: “There’s no need to panic. I have £50m in a box held in trust by Noel Edmonds. Now if I can just get rid of the other 14 boxes…”


Portsmouth have reacted violently to suggestions that an approach to Darren Ferguson to be the club’s new boss smacks of short-termism.

The ex-Posh boss had emerged as surprise bookies’ favourite in the wake of Paul Hart’s departure – ironically with his father’s team the next visitors to Fratton Park .

“It’s nothing to do with a desperate attempt to try to get a win against United,” said a club spokesman.

“It’s all part of our long-term strategy, one which we hope to have in place for the next week at least.”

The spokesman vehemently denied rumours emerging that Owen Coyle’s eight-year-old nephew had been sounded out over taking the side against Burnley on December 5.

“That’s nonsense,” he said. “We’ve got to play Aston Villa in the League Cup first – and Martin O’Neill’s niece is in talks.”

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


Newsbites: Tuesday 3rd November
  • Pompey have apparently offered 38p and a packet of wine gums for old boys Benjani and GON in the transfer window despite both failing medicals when they left. It is believed that as each has only one reliably working leg they will be spliced into one single footballer in a pioneering operation carried out by Doctor Sulaiman Al Fahim. The gestalt entity will be known as Bengonjanio.
  • Killer Kilbey and Unskinny Bopp were the goalscorers as Arsenals ressies were humbled, crushed and ground underfoot by the Glorious Super Blues second string, (that is the real reserves, not the players normally left out because they might score).
  • Pompey have announced Carling Cup prices for the visit of Timeshare Villa, adults will pay £20 and kids £10, plus gold teeth and an internal organ of your choice.
  • Businessman Balrog Chainmail has leant Pompey £15m. Mark Jacobs said:

    "It's a facility provided by a third party, that's all," he said.

    "Like you or I would go to the bank and borrow money on our property or whatever."

    It is not clear what the loan has been borrowed against, but Jacob insists the tide is beginning to turn at Portsmouth.

    "We're gradually sorting things out," he said.

    "We're working around the clock to do so. But it's not going to happen overnight - we've been in charge (only) four weeks." So there we are then, a whole other level we wouldn't quite believe - namely that the Al Farajs actually know some people they can borrow money from.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Newsbites: Monkey Spanking

  • The debate over corporal punishment was reignited as a bunch of Northern Monkeys were spanked at Fratton Park on Saturday. Headmaster Paul Hart said "It will do them the world of good. Spare the rod and spoil the Roberto".
  • Pompey are rumoured to be looking to up their game in the field of contradictory announcements and have allegedly approached well known Arabian PR guru Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf. Former Iraqi Information Minister al-Sahaf became a well known and much loved figure across the English speaking world during the invasion of Iraq and it is believed he would add some gravitas to Pompeys' ever-reliable announcements. We asked the man known as Comical Ali for an interview but unfortunately he was too busy announcing Saddams imminent return from the grave.
  • The rumour mill has Pompey ready to allow Kanu to leave in January, apparently in a bid to bring in some younger striking talent. Like Benni McCarthy.
  • Super Freddie Pigeon caused many a furrowed by turning from Pigeon to dying swan on Saturday but Paul 'StillHere' Hart moved quickly to allay fans fears of a serious injury; "Fred took a knock on the back of the neck and he was startled for a little while, but he's fine" said Paul Hart manfully refraining from adding "the big girl".