Friday, October 30, 2009

Pompey in contradictory claims shocker

Pompey were rocked today when Israeli businessmen Luvya Kushions and paragon of virtue Peter Storrie apparently made contradictory claims. Kushions, with his business partner Balrog Chainmail were rumoured to be investing in the club. However, Storrie told the Daily Mirror: "They, (Kushions and Chainmail) are providing a loan to the club. They will not be new owners as it is being suggested, this is well off target."

But, in an amazing twist, Kushions in the Jewish Chronicle flatly denied that he is about to loan money to Portsmouth. He said: “I’ve no connection to the club. These are stupid rumours.”

The contradictory claims will shock the supporters of the South Coast club which has been long been hailed a bastion of truth and probity by it's contented supporters. Chairman of the Portsmouth FC Inuit and Aboriginal supporters Association, Mr Albin Muckdup said "I've never heard of such a thing! People at Pompey contradicting each other? Whatever next."

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Storrie: ‘It's a kind of magic’

By Al Ibongo

Peter Storrie has revealed that he knocked back an enticing offer to become head of the illusionist’s union, the Magic Circle, to carry on conjuring at Fratton Park. In an exclusive with all daily newspapers, but especially The Mirror, the Blues’ CEO candidly jabbers about top-level talks with representatives of the union, thought to include Paul Daniels, The Great Soprendo and a bloke that does a mean Tommy Cooper.

It is thought Pompey’s chief executive officer’s name was pulled out of the hat for the job (along with a rabbit and some Watford reserves) this summer as the extent of Pompey’s financial woes became apparent.

“My name was pulled out of the hat for the job – don’t believe that bit about the rabbit and some Watford reserves for one minute, that’s all smoke and mirrors – as the extent of our financial woes became apparent,” said Storrie.

“They got in touch because they were impressed at how I’d helped make millions disappear. Obviously, I was thrilled to be mentioned. After all, it’s not like I go out of my way to tell anyone what an amazing job I’ve done here.

“But my work here is not finished, by any means. I intend to turn Aaron Mokoena into a Premier League player, or at least a Championship one, by May.”

Storrie, however has drawn the line at his earlier experiments to turn David Nugent into a footballer. “Give me a break. I’m an illusionist, not a miracle worker,” he added. “Now, can anyone here lend me a ten-pound note?”

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Newsbites: Wednesday 28th October

  • Israeli builder of unwelcome towers Luvya Kushions displayed the usual consistency expected in a prospective owner of Pompey. After declaring that he wasn't interested in investing* in Pompey and just happened to go to one game per decade he then apparently went to a second in four days as Pompey thrashed Stoke last night. *Investing - a euphemism for tossing your money into a gaping black hole of ever expanding debt - copyright the Frattonise Thesaurus.
  • Pompey have been hit with a transfer ban by the FA. An FA Spokesman said "We can confirm that Portsmouth have been banned from signing any more players until they have paid the outstanding installments from the sell-on fee relating to the transfer of Mark Hateley to AC Milan." A club spokesman assured fans the matter would be resolved by the end of the week and denied reports that the club still owed money from the transfer of Billy 'Farmers Boy' Haines, claiming that a tractor had been delivered last Thursday.
  • The transfer ban came to light as Pompey tried to sign Eugen 'Unskinny' Bopp to fill a place in the squad. Bopp, the Hammer of Havant, was reported to be crushed by the news and allegedly confided to friends, (who may or may not exist), "It was bad enough being released by Crewe, if I can't get a gig playing for a shower like this then I might as well pack it in".
  • Pompey second eleven thrashed Stoke reserves 4-0 to progress to the quarter finals of the League Cup. Stokes flight back to the midlands was diverted to Gatwick. Rumours suggest former Pompey manager and football dullist Tony Pulis tried to throw himself out of the window after being overcome by the shame of it.

‘You can call me’ – Al-Fahim plans Hart attack

Exclusive by May Dupp-Name

One-time Portsmouth owner Sulamain Al-Fahim has delivered the message he thinks the fans want to hear – ‘I’m ready to play’. In an outburst that shocked absolutely no-one at all, the well-endowed Saudi, who owned the club for five minutes on a wet Wednesday last month when no-one was looking, offered to help beleaguered boss Paul Hart beat the blues’ basement battle (that’s enough alliteration – Ed) - by turning out for them.
“There’s been a lot of talk about Sulamain Al-Fahim and his motives,” said this week’s non-executive chairman from the echoey shell of a luxury timeshare development somewhere in the Middle East, adopting that strange habit of talking about themselves in the third person some people adopt to make themselves seem important.
“But with all this transfer embargo nonsense, I like to think I can add a bit of weight up front playing off the big man early doors. I scored eight goals in match for Doctors at Large, my five-a-side-team once, or was it seven? The great Harold Redknapp said I was ‘a triffic player, you know’.”
Al-Fahim insists that his offer has nothing to do with diverting attention from his outstanding £50 million funds pledge to Pompey last month. “Not at all,” he said. “That money is still readily available, or I’m not a doctor.” adding “Can I still have one of Mick’s monster burgers as my half-time snack?”

Monday, October 26, 2009

'Appy 'Arry's Quote of the Day - October 26

"I've always been more of a Billy Joel man meself, you know, terrific songs, but I was shocked to hear about Morrissey's trouble, terrible news. But what can you do? I remember tellin' im and Boy George as nippers at West Ham that celibacy and a nice cup of tea were a good way to go for young pop stars, what wiv all them temptations. Now they was a band. I nearly signed Eddie Kendricks at Bournemouth, you know, but he'd agreed a deal with Motown."

Newsbites: Monday 26th October

  • Israeli businessman Luvya Kushions has rejected suggestions he is to invest in Pompey. Reports had suggested that he was about to pump £15m into Pompey but when interviewed he said: "I go to a football match once a decade and after sitting through that garbage I will probably give the next decade a miss. Now get me out of here pronto."
  • Paul Hart has insisted Avram Grant knows he is the boss and is picking the team. We know Paul, no-one else in their right mind would pick Aaron Mokoena
  • Hart has called the mixed messages coming out over the weekend as "disappointing". He went on to label Everest "a bit of a hill" and the Atlantic Ocean as "something of a puddle".
  • Such is the confusion that the News has been forced to bring forward its webchat to Tuesday so that they can take the opportunity to bring clarity and razor-sharp focus to the issues of the day by assuring fans "your guess is as good as mine".
  • Some tickets for Stoke Reserves in the Carling Cup are still available, although if the entire Sioux nation want to sit together they would have the option of just four stands.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Pompey deny own existence

A spokesman for Pompey today admitted the club may very well not exist. "I would like to categorically deny this media campaign claiming there is a Portsmouth Football Club. There is no such club and never has been".

Later, when contacted again and shown a copy of the premier league table, the spokesman responded: "These malicious lies that claim the club is a fabrication simply show one or two newspapers have it in for us. In fact they have greatly exaggerated the clubs difficulties, and we believe that we are top of the Premier League and virtually certain to win every domestic trophy this season, to follow up our victory in the Champions League Final last season."

The spokesman then claimed he needed to go and have a lie down and asked if anyone was going past Threshers.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

'Appy 'Arry's Quote of the Day - October 22

“I look at Nick Griffin and I wonder what went wrong. I had him at West Ham and he looked a terrific player, terrific player, you know. Great skill, good manners, never done nuffing to no-one. Now everyone just looks at him and sees an out-and-out-right-winger, but he’s just lost confidence. It was the same with Lee Bowyer. I first saw him on a scan at the hospital. I had him at West Ham, you know, or was that Billy Bonds?”

Due Diligence - a riveting tale of truthful folk Episode 3

Somewhere, deep in the desert, Dr Sand Al-Scholl decreed a boundless pleasure dome. Unfortunately, there had been a restructuring of the finance along the way and all that had been built was a small cardboard pleasure dome with a tent inside.

Inside the tent, Sand's chubby bottom protruded from under his desk. A phone rang constantly in the background and a furious knocking beat a rhythmic and unrelenting tattoo on the thick cardboard walls.

Suddenly, the knocking ceased, and the telephone fell silent. A muffled voice sounded from under the desk; “Have they gone Igor?”
A looming, lugubrious figure stepped forward, a grey suited vision almost indistinguishable from the shadows, and placed an eye to the spyhole in the door.
“It appears so my liege” he said, his deep voice resonating around the tent before eventually being lost in its gloomy folds.
“Damn these debt collectors...don't they know anything about the magical properties of the word 'restructuring'?”
“Apparently not my liege”.
From within the folds of Sands' robe came the familiar haunting melody from Lawrence of Arabia which turned out to be his mobile phones ring-tone. He took it out and gazed at it with trepidation, then relaxed.
“It's Pingpongpants Igor!”
“Then why not answer it my liege?”
“Oh yes! Hello Pingpongpants my old fr.....”
His voice was cut off and he began to nod furiously. Finally, the phone was silent and Sand turned to Igor, his chubby cheeks lit by a beatific smile.
“Igor! We are going to England! Where is Portswood by the way?”

Worlds most honest man charged

The worlds most honest man has been charged with cheating the public revenue. He swore to robustly defend himself from the accusations saying "I couldn't possibly have done it, I was too busy wringing the last few pounds out of the pockets of Pompey supporters at the time".

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Pompey's blushes to be spared

Cruel, but still funny. Check this out on Newsarse:

Friday, October 16, 2009

Due Diligence - a riveting tale of truthful folk

The High Court sweated under the remorseless glare of the mid-morning sun. In court number 1, Lenny Spivcrapp was making one of his weekly performances in the Dock, answering a charge of illegal betting, tax evasion, money laundering and signing Danny Nugget with malice aforethought.

“Course it was all different then......Bobby Moore........first game we lost 8-0 to Grimesly Town.....could'a signed Pele and Maradona for a couple of monkeys......had that Ronaldo pinned down in the wardrobe by my Bulldog Nancy......course the Police just smashed their way's a liberty.....”
The Judge was asleep, a long string of drool hanging from his mouth to the bench and head on hand. Eventually, the drool caused his head to slip off his hand and bang on the desk, waking him with a start....
“Mr Spivcrapp...”
“We aven't got a proper striker at the club......they was bottom when I come here......”
“MR SPIVCRAPP!” yelled the judge!
“Yes yer onner?”
“All we asked, two hours ago, was HOW DO YOU ****ing PLEAD?”
“It's a nice little runner yer onner, special edition 3 wheeler Escort it is, only done ten farsand miles in 35 years on the road......previous owner died of leprosy”
“Mr Gervaise Lytton I believe you appear for Mr Spivcrapp?”
(“I was talking to Sir Alex and he said to me that wines got a lovely nose, I said your conk ain't no oil-painting though Alex....ha ha ha”)
“Yes your honour I do”.
(“We get a couple of injuries we'll be in trouble”)
“Well would you mind getting him to enter a plea?”
(“Kids these days they don't wanna know....course I invented the motor car really...”)
“He pleads Not Guilty your Honour”
(“Yeah it's a nice little runner, yours for a monkey”)
“What, then, is he actually talking about?”
(“Knock a couple of marmosets off as your a legal gennelman”)
“I believe he is trying to sell you a Ford Escort with only three wheels Your Honour”.
(“Its disgusting using that language in front of kids......I don't even know how to use a computer”)
“But I can't drive Mr Lytton. And anyway, I have a car and a driver with the position”.
(“Course we had three world cup winners in the team.....shows how bad the rest of us was”)
“I believe he has moved on to the topic of the England teams triumph in the 1966 World Cup now Your Honour”.
(“I mean really I won that world cup, I told 'em how they needed to play, no wingers lads, just tuck in I told 'em......”)
“Is that Association Football Mr Lytton?”
(“Sir Alf was embarrassed really going to get the trophy, he offered it to me but I don't like the attention”)
“Yes Your Honour”
(“I said 'wait till you see the whites of their eyes lads', we mowed them Zulus down, course that's when I won the VC”)
“I'm a cricket man myself” said the judge, slipping gently into a happy reverie, far from the motormouth cockney wide boy in the dock.
(“I said to him, 'Harold' I said, 'bowl leg theory mate' so we did 'cos I was second strike bowler and we won the Ashes, Bodyline they called it”)
“Mr Lytton, is he now claiming to have bowled in the Bodyline series? I would suggest your client is somewhat detached from reality?”
(“I said 'What guns?' and he said 'There sir, there's your guns' so we just got our 'eads down and charged, if they had left it to me I would 'ave saved the Light Brigade”)
“Your Honour, Mr Spivcrapp is the manager of Grottenham Cockerels, and being delusional is a requirement of all supporters and staff of 'The Cocks' as they are known”.
“I'm not sure, Mr Lytton, that he needed much encouragement. Is there anyway of stopping him talking?”
“Try shouting MONEY at him Your Honour?”

The judge turned and gazed at Spivcrapp as an unending series of improbable boasts and self-pitying monologues spilled from his lips.

“Case dismissed” he said and banged his Gavel. “Next case!”

Spivcrapp rushed from the Dock and raced towards the press microphones outside. The usher stepped forward; “Call Paul Talltayls”.
The CEO of Portswood City stepped into the dock, cleared his throat and nervously said “I plead Not Guilty Your Honour, it was Spivcrapp what did it”.

Half an hour later, when court had finished the judge came outside to meet his chauffeur to drive for a well earned drink at the OCB, (Old Confirmed Bachelors), club. He stepped out onto the pavement and looked each way but neither chauffeur nor car were anywhere to be seen. He turned to the doorman.
“Have you seen my car?”
“Yes Your Honour, Mr Spivcrapp sold it to a tourist”.
“WHAT? Well why didn't my chauffeur stop him?”
“Your chauffeur has left your employ sir. He has just signed a three year contract with the Cocks to play right back. Mr Spivcrapp said something about being a squad player and his cut being 50% of the net”.............

Forum Reflections

e-Frattonise sent their foremost investigative journalist I. Schmelloratt to last nights Pompey Forum: Just 20 hours after the deadline, he posted his report!

If you were in a band during your teenage years and sat round smoking dope and telling each other how you were going to be bigger than the Stones then last nights forum would have seemed very familiar. In a cosy affair at the Milan Mandaric suite it was easy to believe a healthy huff of hash was being piped through the air-conditioning.

The elephant in the room was hidden behind a haze of pungent smoke; the lead singer and manager of the band were not there, and it seems that they just might be following the time-honoured band tradition of preparing for stardom by acceding to the record companies request to lose a few members and replace them with other musicians who have more gigs behind them.

Still, the panel, of Peter Storrie, Paul Hart and Michael Brown were happy. Peter Storrie apparently believes we are better than a dozen other teams in the premier league and will stay up easily. (Good stuff this man....have a toke..). Hart and Storrie believe that we already have players of the quality of Muntari and Diarra. (Wow! I can see your brain man!). "I pick the team" said Hart, failing to check his watch while he said it.

Only Michael Brown seemed to have his feet firmly planted on the ground, rather than raised to insert his knee into the back of an opponent as it normally is.

The atmosphere was surreal. The chances of these three still being in key roles in January looks about as likely as me rolling over in bed and finding Claudia Schiffer begging me to give her a good old gubbing. Storrie seems from this distance to be on the periphery of the loop. When you open the door to the big bad wolf, better not be a little piggy eh? Hart seems to be destined to take a back seat or get off the tour bus. Brown is likely to find himself replaced by a Pini player at the first opportunity.

Most worryingly, Storrie gave the very clear impression that we are reliant on someone else to redevelop Fratton Park, either Sasha, (a man apparently prepared to put us into administration a few weeks ago rather than deal with Al Faraj), or Al Fahim as one of them owns the land necessary to do it. I say apparently because Storrie couldn't actually say who owns it for those famous legal reasons again. However, he went on to say that it was "immaterial which one of them owns the land" because nothing could be built without a stadium. He is absolutely correct that nothing could be built there. In fact, this is what worries me most.

The stadium project now possibly rests on the goodwill of a man who took the club to the edge of bankruptcy and then threatened to push us over or the goodwill and ability to execute of Al Fahim.

So apparently we can "rest assured the stadium will be built", and with the track record he has with stadium statements who could possibly doubt him? Al Faraj will be sat on a digger any day now. In fact, the only question is that with so many stadium projects completely on track over recent years they might all complete at once and we would become the first premier league club to apply the rotation principle to stadiums.

Its good stuff this weed man...keep passing it round.......

Redknapp humble - Fleet Street in disarray

Football fans have today been reeling in shock after Spurs manager Harry Redknapp displayed some humility during a press conference.

The inappropriately named ‘Appy ‘Arry, who has previously attempted to rewrite history by claiming to have discovered penicillin and been the first man on the moon, this week claimed to have been the best manager in the history of Portsmouth Football Club.

Though neither his wife Sandra nor son Jamie have publicly derided the family’s patriarch for his dubious claim, privately they are believed to be ‘ROTFL’ according to a text message sent to one of Redknapp’s tame Fleet Street sycophants.

A family source confirmed: “Everybody is starting to believe Harry may be down to the bare bones mentally. Some of the stuff he’s coming out with is ridiculous. Bob Jackson, of course, took Pompey to two back-to-back league titles without the aid of a sugar daddy pumping millions into the club.

“And Jack Tinn managed Pompey to a cup final victory in 1939 against the best team in England – not the second-best team in Wales.”

Redknapp has also this week claimed to have tried to save crisis club Portsmouth by introducing rich friends – believed to be stationery magnates; suggested he went to Spurs merely so Portsmouth could claim compensation from the White Hart Lane club; blamed the south-coast club’s demise on its former owner Sacha Gaydamak; and that he expects a warm reception from Pompey fans.

However, in a remarkable turnaround apparently inspired by watching an old episode of the Lone Ranger, in which a native American claimed that “white man speak with forked tongue” Redknapp* chose to come clean in this morning’s press conference.

“Actually I deserve all the abuse they will heap on me,” said an unusually coy Redknapp.

“I promised them I wouldn’t go to Southampton – then I did. I then said I was ‘Pompey till I died’ – then a week later went to Tottenham. And then I said I wouldn’t go back to Fratton Park for any of their players because that would be ungracious – and then I signed Defoe, Crouch and Krancjar.

“Basically I’m the most duplicitous man in English football and that’s quite an achievement ferrshure. After all I once claimed Yoshi Kawaguchi had the best distribution I’d ever seen when he signed for Portsmouth and then, after he was a huge flop, denied ever having seen him play and claimed no knowledge of him before his signing.

“I even tried to blame poor old Sacha Gaydamak for Pompey’s financial plight when it was me what spent all the money including giving £50k-a-week contracts to players what didn’t even play more than a dozen times for the club.

“But that’s me all over…”

Redknapp, whose face appeared more paper cut-out mask than normal, was then bundled off the stage by large minders to be replaced by a twitching lookalike.

Responding to a question about one of his back-room staff, the new Redknapp said: “Kevin who? Kevin Bond? Never ‘eard of ‘im mate. You must be confusing me wiv somebody else. Anyway, did I ever tell you how I mediated in the Cuban Missile Crisis…”

*A man wearing a paper Harry Redknapp mask has been arrested by police and will be charged with flagrant honesty. Around 50,000 Portsmouth residents are believed to be prepared to stand bail

Post courtesy of Bunky's Musings